2003-05-09 - 3:42 p.m.


I'm really tired and not so much in the mood to do this right now but I said I would so I'll try.

Here's what's gone on. I said all of the right words about how Nick and I could not be together in any real sense and how we could make no demands of each other and how we would have to enjoy whatever we had or did for exactly what it was and nothing more.

But falling in love negates all of those words. My head may still understand it but it's tough to wrap my heart around.

An extended conversation with John and spending the afternoon yesterday with Donnie helped me to put things in perspective and see that being angry at Nick is a waste. I have no reason to be angry at Nick, he laid it all out and I agreed to all of it and then I started acting like the wedding was next week and how dare he this that and the other thing.

If anything Nick has every right to be angry with me. And he is.

Except he doesn't have the right.

Because he isn't angry because I agreed to things being what they were and then treating them like they needed to be something else.

He's angry because I'm running around doing what he's doing and he's hurt by it.

So he broke the agreement too.

This helps me feel less foolish but it doesn't make me less angry with him. It doesn't mean that I can talk to him right now or look at his photograph and not want to throw things.

So there probably won't be any moony "I heart Nick" posts for awhile. Right now it's closer to a "I feel the need to vomit at the mention of Nick's name" vibe.

(Message to Tatjana-I still wouldn't trade it, just so you know)

Now for those of you who are wondering, I had a lovely afternoon of chatting and shopping etc. with Don yesterday and NOTHING ELSE. So I guess I wasn't as self destuctive as I thought I was, but even more importantly, I know that Don would never let me be.

Oh, and if you care, Joe's engaged to some real estate broad who has a ridiculous name I can't remember and drove Don nuts asking him to repeat every other second.

Now can we talk about the important stuff like how pleased I was that Sara layed it on the line for Grissom last night? All the little CSI fans have their panties in a bunch over it cause they don't want it to turn into a "soap opera"-yeah, like the hearing loss and the dead husband and the gambling problems didn't do that already. Whatever. I mean, we know about Nick being raped when he was a kid but Grissom and Sara can't do a little flirting? Kiss my ass.

Also, if you're still reading my every word Mr. you know who you are, you don't have to spill your guts or anything but a quick note to let me know you're still alive would be nice...

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