2003-05-01 - 1:49 p.m.

Today is shaping up to be a very bad day.

A series of things that should be good things are going wrong and bad and becoming more difficult than I can deal with.

Tonight should be fun. I'm meeting with a bunch of friends I graduated with that I rarely if ever see anymore. It should surprise no one that I don't want to go. As much as I'd like to see each of them individually I hate the whole scene and feeling like crap on top of it helps not at all.

Tonight is a metaphore for what is wrong with Nick and I-going to a club with a bunch of people? For me it's dread, for him it would be like breathing.

Why couldn't they have all wanted to get together last summer when I was in better shape?

Everyone has taken shots at my weight today. Everyone. I'm fat people, I get it.

One of my closest friends pointed out to me that Merideth is younger and in better shape. Gee. Thank you for reminding me.

I need to throw up.

I want to hide under something and not come out until...ever.

So this thing for tonight, I don't really want to go at all, and I look like hell today and I'm fat and old and all that like someone reminded me, and there's going to be this guy there that...

Now I know some of you know who I mean and others are like, wait, why are we talking about some guy when we're in the middle of this whole Nick thing.

A bunch of reasons, A. This guy and I are fantastic flirts with each other but it would never go one step farther. B. This guy is married. C. Nick has his younger, thinner arm candy I can flirt with, date or sleep with whomever the fuck I please.

ahem. Where was I? (Besides this foul mood). Ah yes, this guy, well, we've always sort of had this idealized crush on each other, sort of if I were younger, thinner, prettier he'd be in love with me and if he were less of an asshole I'd be in love with him but such as things go we flirt and enjoy it.

I invited him tonight when the person who originally invited him sent his invitation to the wrong address. He responded to me and we've been trading emails since.

He called me just a few minutes ago to ask me what time I'm going tonight, which translates to anyone who knows me as "Are you actually going to show up tonight". I tell him I will be there early and leave early. I want to see him and one other person (you know you who you are baby!) and that's really it. I don't give a fuck about anyone else.

So he's really interested in seeing me tonight, and his wife probably won't come, she says because she has a cold but we all know it's because everyone hates her and she used to waitress at this place and fucked every guy who ever walked in the door, but whatever.

This is a good thing right? So why does it make me want to go even less?

I hate socializing.

Then, something I thought was settled about Friday night, which is Cher night as I'm sure you've all marked on your calander came up today as not being settled. And while I know that the other person is right and that things would be much easier if we did them the way she's suggesting it will put my part of things in such turmoil that it's honest to God making me want to just not even go. To Cher. That's right.

Because she's right. And because it's completely selfish and unfair of me to ask her to do it my way, which isn't really my way but that governing force that rules my every breath's way. And because I can see why she would NOT accept that at a reason to not do it her way. But it's still what I have to deal with in the end of the day and I would rather skip the whole thing entirely than get into the fight this is going to start.

I'm tired, I'm lonely lately, I'm sick and I'm feeling unwelcome in my own skin.

The week that I thought would be such a good week is turning out to be one of the worst in recent history.

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