2003-04-29 - 12:58 p.m.


I just got told I sound angry.

Is that really so surprising that I might be angry? I mean, okay, I've been on that whole Zen thing for awhile now so the emotions, particularly the negative ones have been somewhat muted but let's have some sense shall we?

I understand the position of not wanting to live whatever time you might have in anticipation of death, I understand not wanting to limit yourself by what COULD happen. Does that mean by definition though that you completely ignore things that you can do to ensure your here tomorrow to complete more of the things you want to do?

There has to be a line there between not letting something control you and taking the time to control it, to whatever degree. Ignoring it is giving it full control in a shorter span isn't it?

I'm selfish, I want you around. Sue me.

I don't like how angry all of this sounds, and how despair driven all of it is, and how doom and gloom and weepy it's all become. Honestly, while those are the things I'm most likely to write about, when I'm driving in my car, or sitting here trying to figure out why it is physcially impossible for Boss to keep records that make any sense whatsoever or whatever other stupid ways I find to fill my day, my thoughts are by and large pleasant ones, devoted to the beauty and intellect that come together to create Nick.

When I say he's mad at me, when I say he doesn't want me to say this or that, I'm feeding into that machine. I think we all do it. The parts of our relationships that we take to our friends are generally not the contented sighs, the gentle brush of stray hair from your eyes, but the more vibrant strokes of lust, anger, desperation and longing.

It doesn't fill in the entire picture and it ends up seeming somehow empty, and hollow.

This, in reality is neither of those, it is full and solid and comforting and loving and sigh inducing to an infinate degree but I still want to shake him by his tailored lapels and make him do what he needs to do to make me sigh in 50 years time.

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