I've put this off for a time for a number of reasons but I guess now's as good as any.

While I was watching the Cher show last week my cell phone rang. I knew who I expected. I expected two people actually. It was neither.

It was Jordan. He called to ask if I was crying. Because he knew Cher was on.

What is that exactly?

The cynic in me wants to say that it's some sort of control thing, "I still know you, I can still tell you what you'll be feeling".

Another part of me feels like it's just a reaching out to a connection that feels really strong sometimes despite our many attempts to cut the cord.

He was gentle about it, he was checking on me. Maybe taking the temperature of where we were. I don't know.

My reaction was to laugh. Yep, I'm crying. She's amazing right? Of course I'm crying. I kept the focus on the apparent reason for the call. I kept it short when his voice suggested he wanted to linger.

There are alot of pasts I'd return to but he isn't one of them.

I won't say it wasn't tempting to give in to the familiar voice, the knowing. Jordan has always been good at listening to me when I needed to talk about someone else. When the whole Ben thing happened...Jordan was amazing.

So the temptation to discuss this Nick thing with him was strong because I knew he could understand it better than probably anyone else but I can't let myself go back there to where he's there for me.

He wants to be, but he never really figured out how.

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